A reader writes:
I have a question for you about feedback — specifically, feedback that you’ve been asked to give.
I’ve repeatedly been asked for feedback from managers, both at work and at the organization where I volunteer, and then it seems like the same thing always happens: the feedback vanishes into a black hole, or the person asking for it gets defensive or upset and starts throwing up reasons why the feedback I’m providing can’t be correct.
Here are some recent examples:
The organization where I volunteer is having a hard time retaining volunteers. The director sent an email out asking for feedback. I sent a carefully drafted email with several suggestions … and never got a response, not even a “thank you for sending this.”
My current manager, who is new to her role and our industry, has repeatedly asked us to give her feedback, but when we try, she gets noticeably upset (raised voice, angry expression, snarky comments, etc.).
My manager at my previous organization asked for suggestions about improving our work-life balance after losing several employees to burnout. Our department put together three or four actionable suggestions and I presented them. She shot each one down without even appearing to consider them seriously. She also asked us to think about new programs to offer and, after spending a significant amount of time putting together proposals, dismissed every idea we presented.
What really confuses me about this is that when I’ve been asked for feedback and said I had none, the person asking gets angry! When I left my last job, the same manager I mentioned above asked for feedback. I said I didn’t have any and she got angry! (In that particular instance, we had a lot of people quit after this manager was promoted to lead our department. Everyone who left did an exit interview and all named the same one or two reasons as their motive for leaving. I declined to do an exit interview; I figured if three years of the same feedback hadn’t spurred any change, one more wasn’t likely to. On my last day, that manager asked me if I had any feedback for her and I said no, figuring I’d just be repeating feedback that had already been ignored, and she seemed really taken aback, and then miffed.)
I’m getting seriously mixed messages here. I hear routinely from managers that they don’t want “yes men” and want to hear ideas or be challenged, but I feel like in practice, they don’t want to hear it. I find myself holding back from sharing ideas because it doesn’t seem worth the risk.
So what’s the deal? Do managers really want feedback, or is this something they’ve been told to say but they don’t really mean it?
Most people think they want feedback, but then don’t always like the reality.
People often want to be the sort of manager who would welcome feedback — because that feels like a good thing, and no one wants to think “I’m the sort of manager who shuts down different opinions.” So in a lot of cases, people’s ego and self-image sort of demands that they believe they welcome feedback.
Often they go right on believing that about themselves even when they shut down the feedback when they get it. They think, “Well, that’s not the kind of thing I was looking for,” or “Suggestion X is really annoying because of Y, but I would welcome other, better suggestions” or “This person is only suggesting X because they don’t realize Z.”
And sometimes parts of that can be legitimate! Sometimes people’s feedback is annoying, or poorly thought-out, or lacking in perspective. But if you want to be a good manager, and if you want to be a manager who people give honest feedback to, you need to welcome it all, show that you’re taking it seriously, and engage with in a real way. That doesn’t mean that you have to act on all of it; often you shouldn’t. But it does mean that you need to say things like, “That’s really interesting — thank you for telling me how that’s coming across” and “I’m really glad to have your perspective” and other things that don’t convey “you have irritated me by speaking up.” That doesn’t mean you can’t say, “Ah, let me explain my own thinking in why we do it this way.” You can, and sometimes you’ll need to. But it needs to be a genuine and respectful conversation; it can’t come across as “I’m just here to shoot down what you say.”
And a manager who asks for feedback and then gets upset when she receives it is someone who should not be taken seriously when she requests it in the future. Depending on the manager, in some cases, there might be room next time to point out, “You know, you’ve asked us for ideas in the past but dismissed them pretty quickly. So before we come up with ideas for X, could we spend some time talking about what you are and aren’t looking for, so that we’re better able to tailor our thinking to what you want?”
But some managers are just terrible at this and always will be, and when you’re dealing with one of those, it’s smart to adjust your expectations accordingly. That doesn’t mean you should simply decline to come up with suggestions when asked, but it does mean that it’s probably not worth putting significant time into it or getting particularly invested in any of the suggestions you make.
Most managers won’t get angry if you say you don’t have feedback — but exit interviews and similar conversations with departing employees can be an exception to that, because they figure you have some thoughts you could share, and so a blanket “no” comes across less as “nothing comes to mind!” and more as “I don’t want to talk to you.” They still shouldn’t get miffed about that, of course — but these are already managers who suck at taking feedback, so it’s not surprising if they do. Because of that, sometimes the more politic response is to come up with a few bland suggestions that won’t give offense and leave it at that.
But don’t take from this that you never should give candid feedback when it’s requested. There are managers who appreciate it and handle it well — and with those, you’ll be losing out if you don’t take advantage of that. So just pay attention to how your manager operates — to what they do, rather than what they say — and calibrate your approach accordingly.
why do managers say they want feedback and then get annoyed when they get it? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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