A reader writes:
How do you politely avoid questions about doctor or dental appointments from nosy coworkers?
In my workplace, we have a sign-out sheet to keep track of where employees are over the course of the day, with the times we left the building and where we’re going in case someone needs to track us down. When I have any kind of health thing scheduled during the work day, I just write “appointment” because I don’t think anyone needs to know more specifically than that what I’m up to. I’m out of the building for a personal thing; I’m taking personal time; I can be reached by cell or email if something urgent comes up.
However, the receptionist who is in charge of the sign-out sheet is quite nosy in a way that she thinks is fondly maternal (I’m in my twenties and she’s in her sixties) but feels really personal and invasive. When I’m headed out the door, she often asks where I’m going because she’s noticed I have an appointment, and she wants to know what’s going on “because I care about you” or “because I worry about you.” In the moment I get flustered and often end up saying “I’m getting my teeth cleaned” or whatever, but I wish I didn’t — we aren’t close, and if I wanted her to know, I’d volunteer the information.
Do you have any phrases I can keep in my back pocket to help maintain my boundaries and turn aside this kind of question in a polite but firm way?
Wow, insisting on personal information “because I worry about you” adds a new layer of weirdness to this. Plenty of people inadvertently ask intrusive questions because they’re making small talk and don’t realize that they’re asking someone to reveal something they intentionally might be keeping quiet. But that doesn’t sound like what’s happening here. She’s prying because she thinks she has a right to pry.
But you still don’t need to give in, just because she’s couching the nosiness in the language of concern and care.
When she asks where you’re going, it’s fine to say any of these:
* “Just an appointment! I’ll be back by 4.”
* “Taking care of something personal. See you later!”
* “I’ve got to run! I’ll be back in a few hours.”
And then leave. If you say these as you’re walking out the door, you’re cutting off the conversation quite effectively.
But if you can’t leave immediately and she replies to these statements with, “But what kind of appointment is it?” then you need to get more explicit. In that case, it’s worth saying something like:
* “I actually prefer not to share details of personal appointments.”
* “Just an appointment. I don’t want to get into the details.”
* “I’m sure you haven’t thought of this, but some appointments can be very personal and people may not want to share those details at work.” You could add, “I’d rather not be asked for that reason.”
That last one is my favorite, but you can do any of these.
If you set firm boundaries and don’t let them collapse under her pushing, she’s likely to get the message in time. (Some of these will deliver the message more quickly than others, but it just comes down to what you’re comfortable saying.)
how can I shut down a nosy receptionist’s questions about my appointments? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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