my boss chastised me about my menstrual cramps, job-searching with four vacations already booked, and more
It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. My boss chastised me for being in pain from menstrual cramps
I just had something happen at work that I’m fairly insulted by: I got my period this morning and my cramps are extra bad. I thought I threw my painkillers in my purse on the way out the door, but apparently I must have missed because they weren’t there when I got to work. So my cramps continued to get worse and you can definitely see it on my face, but I didn’t want to spend the ridiculous amount that convenience stores charge for a tiny bottle of painkillers. My manager saw that I was in pain and he said, “You need to take care of this because this is unprofessional. It’s unprofessional for you to be in pain on the floor. You need to go to the store and buy painkillers.” (I work in auto sales as a sales consultant. There were absolutely no customers in the dealership at the time and I was in the manager’s office telling him he had a call, so I was wincing while out of view of anyone.)
Needless to say, I feel rather insulted and fairly discriminated against. Was it okay for my manager to say that? Oh and of course, the cramps are bad enough that painkillers aren’t helping anyway, so it was a complete waste of time. Maybe now I’ll just get fired because of my own body that I can’t control.
It’s true that when you’re working with customers (which you weren’t), it’s not great to be visibly in pain. But then the appropriate response from your boss would have been to check in about how you were doing and whether needed anything and whether you should go home, because you are a fellow human who is suffering … not to call you unprofessional for having a body that sometimes experiences pain.
The only way what your manager said would be justified would be if you were, like, lying on the floor grimacing and clutching your sides and loudly cursing your uterus while calling out for the comfort of your mother, and otherwise turning your cramps into a public set piece. Assuming that’s not what was happening, your boss sounds like an ass.
2. My coworker is job-searching — should I tell our boss?
I was in a meeting with my coworker today (just the two of us) and she was screen-sharing with me. She accidentally showed her personal email account, which had several emails regarding interviews and her resume. I only saw it for a second but now I’m concerned that she could be a flight risk. I just stared this job a few weeks ago and rely on her for her expertise (we have the same job and same level, but she has been here for several years). Should I tell my boss about her potentially leaving? Or should I pretend I didn’t see anything on her computer screen, since it was after all on her private email and she didn’t mean for me to see it?
Ooooh no, do not say anything to your boss about this. This wasn’t information that you were supposed to see, and it is so very much Not Your Business, especially as a brand new employee. (It wouldn’t be your business as a not-new employee either, but it’s especially the case when you’re so new.)
Anyone could be a flight risk at any time, assuming you’re not working with indentured servants. That’s just part of the deal! I get that you’re relying on her to train you, but really, she could win the lottery tomorrow and never come back, and your employer would find a way to make do.
3. I’m job searching and have four upcoming vacations already booked
When is it appropriate to inform the potential employer of any upcoming vacations that have already been booked? I’m currently job searching and my husband and I have already booked four upcoming vacations before the end of this year. The first is a week long. The one after is over Labor Day weekend but includes the Thursday and Friday of that weekend. Then a friend’s bachelorette which is Thursday to Sunday. The last one is 10 days over Christmas, which my husband and I are calling our honeymoon since we didn’t get to go on one yet. Is this going to hurt my chances of getting hired?
In general with pre-booked vacations, you wait until you have an offer and then explain the dates you already have booked and ask if they can be accommodated. This stuff can often be negotiated as part of an offer, but you must bring it up then and not spring it on your boss after you’re already hired.
That said, this is a lot of time to ask to have off in the first five months of a new job, especially the 10 days over Christmas, which is a time that a lot of other people might already have dibs on (and which could be a problem if you’re in a job that requires coverage — some do and some don’t). The 10 days at Christmas might be fine if they were all you were asking for, but combined with another week, plus two days, plus two more days … it’s a lot, especially if you’re not coming in at a senior level (where you might have more leverage).
If you can, I’d pick one of the long ones, but not both. And then present this not as a settled thing that will be happening, but rather as a question about whether or not it could be accommodated, making it clear you’d be willing to cancel some of them if needed (assuming it’s not a deal-breaker for you).
4. My former coworkers won’t stop contacting me with gossip
A little over a month ago my one-year temporary position ended, but since then I haven’t been able to get my old coworkers to stop contacting me. On the job I had many “work friends” and left on great terms (company-sponsored happy hour, flowers, gift card, etc.) but I’m someone who likes to draw the line between work life and personal, and never intended to keep up with those same “work friends” after my job was over.
In the weeks since I left, I’ve had several former coworkers attempt to contact me on every social media site that you can find someone from just having their cell number, including Whatsapp, Instagram, Snapchat, and text messages. This is especially strange because even when I was employed there, I never accepted any of their friend requests and politely declined attempts to hang out at non-work events. I wouldn’t go as far to say that my former workplace was a toxic environment, but it was definitely rife with gossip (a culture that admittedly I engaged in but thought once I left it would stop). The correspondence they send is mostly an attempt to find out where I’m currently working and share office place gossip/drama that I no longer care about. So far I have just ignored the messages and friend requests, but I feel like I’m being rude by doing that. How can I make it stop? Can you provide some reasons as to why people would keep contacting an old coworker that hasn’t shown interest in keeping up a friendship?
To provide some additional context, the people who contacted me were lower on the corporate ladder than I was, but since we are all in our 20s I think they feel more comfortable in trying to reach out to me than they would an older person. I’m still in negotiations with my new employer but I don’t feel the need to give constant updates to my former coworkers when I know the information will just be fodder for gossip.
I think you’re fine ignoring the friend requests, but there’s some value in not ignoring the messages entirely, since these are people you might run into again in the future. That doesn’t mean that you have to become pen pals or provide fodder for gossip, but you could send a a one-time “Hey! I’m swamped with the new job but hope everything is going well for you!” reply. It’s reasonably friendly, but it’s vague and it sets up a reason for why they might not get more replies. From there, you don’t need to keep replying.
As to why it’s happening: It sounds like it’s an effect of the gossipy culture you mentioned. They see you as a partner in that still and assume you’re still interested. Plus, because they’re young (20s), they probably haven’t had a ton of experience with leaving jobs and the way that makes most people want to disconnect from this kind of thing. And I’m just guessing, but if they’re not in challenging jobs, the work itself isn’t keeping them occupied and they’re filling the space with this, without realizing that it’s weird to be sending the tentacles of this workplace’s drama out after people who have left it.
5. Is it really okay to use my company’s e-learning portals?
My office has spent a lot of money on providing excellent e-learning portals we can use, including a virtual learning platform where you can watch webinars or complete workbooks as diverse as “psychotherapy for dummies” and “being influential at work.” I feel uncomfortable using these learning platforms at work, even though they are part of our office tools and have some useful stuff in them. I am currently in a summer lull period at work, so I am tempted to use them. Is there any etiquette for using these platforms and others like it?
They’re supplying them so that you can use them! It’s true that you shouldn’t be spending your entire day every day on them, and you shouldn’t use them if people are waiting on you for things, but if you’re on top of your work, you absolutely can take take advantage of these! In fact, your company will probably be pleased that you’re doing it, since they invested resources in providing this. (That said, before spending any significant time on one that’s totally unconnected to your work, it’s not a bad idea to touch base with your manager about it. You could say, “I’m really interested in the company’s e-learning portal on X and would love to use some of our summer lull to check it out. But obviously it’s not directly related to my work so I wanted to run that by you first.” She may tell you there’s no need to check with her, or she may direct you toward something she’d rather you spend the time on.)
my boss chastised me about my menstrual cramps, job-searching with four vacations already booked, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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