my coworkers trash-talk me in a secret group chat, keeping unvaccinated kids out of our office, and more
It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…
1. My bosses and coworkers have a secret group chat where they trash-talk me
A few months ago, I started a new job in a very small office (only three employees, plus a few interns). I had some trouble acclimating because the environment was so different from my last job. But as far as I knew, I was doing fine.
About a month in, I walked past my coworker’s desk (we have an open office) and saw my name pop up on her Slack. It ended up being a groupchat that the entire office was in — including supervisors — except for me. One of my supervisors was recounting a disciplinary conversation he had had with me. (I was using my cellphone at my desk too much; I apologized and said it was very common at my previous job, but that I would stop. For the record, I did stop.)
After that, I started feeling like everyone in the office disliked me. I couldn’t stop getting anxious, and there were multiple times that I’d walk past someone’s computer and see my name pop up in that same groupchat. I know I should have stopped looking. I don’t have an excuse as to why I didn’t. I could say that my bosses were communicating with everyone except for me about my shortcomings, but still, I should have kept my eyes on my own paper.
Eventually, I saw my boss tell a coworker that they were planning on firing me, so I put in my two weeks’ notice, citing my poor performance in the position (which is valid, to be honest). When I did that, the two aforementioned bosses told me that I was a fine worker and I hadn’t been underperforming at all. One of them said, “Are you committed to quitting?” I said yes.
Everyone was super nice about it, to the extent that I wondered if I had imagined the past two months of gossip and plans to fire me. To be fair, I am very easy to gaslight. Not that I was being gaslit in this situation — it’s just easy to convince me I’m wrong in my perception of anything. Anyway, once again, I saw the following exchange in the groupchat while my coworker talked to me about something: “She said she’s COMMITTED to quitting” “Feels good to get a monkey off your back” “She’s so skinny”
How do I deal with the next week and a half at this job? I can’t really listen to music or podcasts or anything. I already have clinically-diagnosed anxiety and I can’t stop myself from catastrophizing everything that happens at work. I take a lot of bathroom breaks for the specific purpose of panicking. I’m so scared of seeing them say something else about me — or misrepresent something I said — but I’m even more scared of missing out on what they say. Would it be reasonable to cut my two weeks short? Should I confront someone about what I saw? This is taking a huge toll on my mental health.
Since you’ve only been there a few months, there’s no real benefit to including this job on your resume — and if you leave it off, you don’t need to worry about them being called as a reference. That means that you can walk out of there today if you want to, and as you do so, feel free to say, “I saw the group chat you’ve been having about me, and it sounds like you’d prefer that I leave today, so I’m going to pack up now. Best of luck to you.”
The reason they’re being nice to your face while trash-talking you behind your back is that they’re horrible people, but being nice to your face lets them believe they’re not being mean.
2. Keeping unvaccinated kids out of our office
I have a coworker who opted out of vaccinations for her three children. I live in an area currently experiencing a measels outbreak. A state of emergency has been declared by the governor over it. I am vaccinated and don’t have kids of my own. However, several of my other coworkers have kids as young as 4 weeks. Tbe antivax coworker brings their kids in from time to time, which brings me to my question. Is it even possible to ask my coworker to keep their adorable infectious disease vectors away from the office, for the sake of the kids too young to be vaccinated? I work for a state agency, for what it’s worth.
I can’t speak to how being at a state agency might impact this, but generally speaking, your employer can absolutely require that unvaccinated kids be kept out of your office. And you or your coworkers can make that request as well — it just won’t have the teeth that it’ll have coming from your employer, so if you can get it made official, that’s your better option. (Anyone want to weigh in via the comments on how being a public agency might affect things?)
3. My office is hosting a whisky tasting, and I’m a recovering alcoholic
I’m a young professional working in the finance industry, and I’m also a recovering alcoholic with two years sober. I recently transferred to a new location for my firm. Much of my industry’s culture centers on alcohol, even more so in my new city, and for the most part this is fine. I’m confident enough in my sobriety that I have no problem attending open bars and drinking Diet Coke all night—I even went on a freaking office booze cruise and didn’t drink. Most of my coworkers don’t even notice. It’s not my favorite way to spend an evening, but I know I’m the abnormal one here and I don’t expect others to not do something they enjoy for my sake.
But at this new location, there’s a big networking event every year with people from across the industry. This event is a very big deal at the firm, and while attendance isn’t strictly mandatory, it’s expected. This year, the event is a whisky tasting with an open bar afterward. There’s a line for me, and this is it. If I just preferred not to drink (which is what I’ve told the few coworkers who have noticed my teetotaling), I could presumably still do a tasting, but I really can’t even swirl alcohol in my mouth. How can I excuse myself from this thing without raising more questions and attention?
Three basic options: have a conflict with that date, be sick that day, or let your boss know why you’re not attending. Which of those to pick depends on how much your boss would care if you’re not there, and how comfortable you’d be (or not be) letting her know you’re not up for such an alcohol-centric event.
The advantage to letting your boss know is that it’ll cover you if something similar comes up again (plus it might nudge your office into realizing this event will leave people out — not just recovering alcoholics, but people who don’t drink for other reasons too — and perhaps they’ll factor that into future plans). And being a recovering alcoholic who’s sober isn’t terribly stigmatizing, at least not around reasonably savvy adults. But if your’e not comfortable doing that, you’ve got those other two options too.
4. My boss makes working overtime sound like a favor to me
Over the last year, my boss has developed a really annoying habit and I’m not sure if I can say or do anything about it. We work in an underfunded, understaffed department, so there is always overtime hours/days available. It’s never forced on anyone, instead relying on a volunteer system.
However, whenever my boss asks me if I can work extra days, he frames it as doing me a favor! For example, last time he asked, it was something like, “Hey, you can get extra hours on (date) if you’d like! I’m asking you first so you don’t miss out.” (That isn’t true. The policy is people with part-time hours are offered extra days first. I’m full-time.) He hasn’t always done this. Before it was more “We’re short people and there’s a lot going on. Can you work?”
I luckily don’t need the overtime pay and working six-plus days in a row is more stress than it’s worth. Plus I’m already suffering from burn-out (taking some time off soon to help with that.) I wouldn’t mind helping my coworkers or department out every once in a while, if he worded it differently and was more honest. Am I being too rigid and is there any way to talk to him about this?
Well, you might be taking the wording too literally. It’s possible that other people have indicated they are grateful to be offered the hours, and so he figures everyone is. Or who knows, maybe he’s trying to manipulate you into saying yes.
I think you’re fine continuing to turn down the overtime if you want to. But if you’d rather ensure you know when the request is more dire, you could say, “No thanks — sounds like you have other people who might want to do it, but if you’re ever in a situation where you can’t get anyone and you really need people to help out, let me know.” Or even, “Just so you know, I’ll usually turn down overtime offers since I mostly prefer sticking to my regular schedule, but if you ever really need people to help out, let me know.”
my coworkers trash-talk me in a secret group chat, keeping unvaccinated kids out of our office, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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