It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…
1. My coworker is a blood drive bully
I’m the newest and youngest employee at a small office that’s the perfect place to start a career in my industry. I love the work, and I like my coworkers. The problem is “Alice.” She’s the long-time office admin, a very sweet and upbeat woman in her mid-50s. She’s involved in all kinds of charities and volunteer work, all for causes I support. She never solicits donations (it’s against company policy); she doesn’t badger people to join her groups though she’s always delighted when someone expresses an interest.
One of her causes is the Red Cross. Last week they launched a blood drive in our neighborhood—actually there’s a “bloodmobile” parked on our block. Alice enthusiastically announced the drive, urging everyone to donate. You get a sticker when you do, and she wears hers prominently every day. She also keeps tabs on who’s gotten a sticker and who hasn’t; over the last few days she has affectionately chided any un-stickered employees, usually in the morning when we’re all getting coffee, and once at a staff meeting. (Also the office has an open floor plan.)
I fully support the Red Cross and their work. But I am a bisexual man, and not exactly celibate. The FDA still has a ban on donations from any man who’s had sex with another guy in the past year. I’m out to most people in my life, and not keeping it a secret from anyone else. But it hasn’t been an easy process and to be honest I’m still coming to terms with my identity, including how or when to come out (I’m not in a relationship and most people assume I’m straight). The one thing I’m sure of is that I’m done lying.
So whenever I see Alice coming at me with her big smile and her sticker I break into a cold sweat. I’ve dodged the question so far, sort of walking a thin line between the truth and the whole truth. It just feels like if I laid it out for her I might as well be making an announcement to the entire office: “Attention everyone! I have sex with men!” I’m not ready for that.
What’s worse is that our HR department is basically one guy: a gay man who casually strolled in with his “I donated” sticker the second day of the drive. I don’t know if he really did or what, and I’m truly not judging him. But it makes me feel even more self-conscious about coming out in this way, much less talking to him about it.
How should I handle this? The blood drive’s almost over; can I just wait it out? Or am I being a coward and a hypocrite by not explaining my situation to Alice? I feel so embarrassed and awkward about the whole thing, I’ve kind of lost perspective. But I can’t bring myself to wear that damned sticker if I didn’t earn it, and as much as I wish I could, I can’t donate without being dishonest. (I should add that I’m fully confident about my negative HIV status, so this really is just about being bisexual.)
You are 100% entitled not to explain the situation to Alice. You are being neither a coward or a hypocrite. People aren’t entitled to information you didn’t intend to share with them just because they’re pushy.
And Alice is being pushy. Yes, blood donation is a good cause, but people have all kinds of personal reasons for not wanting or being able to donate blood, and she should be more thoughtful about that.
If you just want to wait it out, that is completely fine! There is no shame in taking the path of least resistance here.
But if you wanted to say something to Alice, you could say, “You know, some people have medical or other reasons they can’t donate blood, and might not want to announce those reasons at work.” Ideally you’d add, “This kind of pressure isn’t cool when you consider that,” but you can leave that off if you want. (But do know that’s true, and it’s not just men who’ve had recent sex with men — you can’t donate blood if you’re on certain medications, including antibiotics, or have certain types of cancer, or ever tested positive for Hepatitis C, or a bunch of other reasons.)
And if you want to, you can also point out the same thing to your HR guy — as in, “I’m concerned about how much pressure Alice is generating around the blood drive. I’m all for giving blood, but given the whole range of medical and other reasons some people aren’t allowed to, I worry she’s inadvertently pressuring people to reveal personal medical info to her because she’s not taking no for an answer.” This framing is “I’m concerned for the office as a whole” and “this is a landmine for the company,” not “Alice is making me uncomfortable. (Although the latter would be fine to say too! It just sounds like you’d prefer not to.)
But you don’t have to do any of that if you don’t want to. It is perfectly fine to just wait this out. Hell, it’s fine to lie to/mislead Alice (“yep, I’m good”) if she continues being so pushy. You have zero obligation to share anything you don’t want to share.
2. Should I tell my employee to stop addressing people by their first names?
I am in a position where I have my own direct employee for the first time. My employee is wonderful and very capable.
My personal philosophy when dealing with other coworkers has always been to treat them with the most respect I can, even going overboard. Recently, my employee sent an email out to a different department attempting to correct their mistake (might not have been a mistake), and addressed it to them by using only their first name.
I wanted to get your opinion on this. Am I just super sensitive, or should I address this since she’s representing my team when she emails other departments?
It’s really, really, really normal to address coworkers by their first names, even ones you haven’t met yet! There are some organizations in the U.S. where that’s not the case, but they’re the exception rather than the norm.
The question here is, what’s the culture around names in your office? If most people use first names, you shouldn’t direct your employee to do otherwise, or it risks making her come across as young, naive, and/or out of step with your office culture. If the culture is that people don’t use first names, then yes, cueing her into that would be both a kindness to her and something you have standing to do as her manager.
But going overboard on respect isn’t always a good thing. Depending on exactly what you mean by that, it can actually create barriers between you and others. (Calling someone Ms. Warbleworth when everyone else calls her Valentina is a good example of that.)
3. What kind of non-monetary perks can I ask for?
My yearly review is coming up, but my boss gave a “sneak peek” in one of our weekly check-ins, and I knocked it out of the park. Also, the end of January will be my 15-year anniversary with the organization.
Unfortunately, we’re a nonprofit and we had significant funding cuts this year, so raises are off the table until next year at the earliest. Boss has been a really strong advocate for me and my work since I moved to this position in 2011. In our check-in, she expressed that I’m a valuable, essential employee here, and wanted me to think before my review about whether there were any non-monetary rewards they could give me (not completely in lieu of a raise–that’s still in the works for next year–but in lieu of being able to give one right now). The problem is … I’ve never worked anywhere else (besides retail jobs in high school), so I have no clue what to ask for!
I might ask about more vacation, but I currently get four weeks and rarely use all of it (especially because we also get a lot of paid holidays). A friend also suggested asking for the flexibility to work from home sometimes, which might be nice occasionally, but I wouldn’t do it often because a lot of my work requires two monitors (which I don’t have at home). Is there anything else I should consider? Boss said she would also think about it before we meet to see if she had any suggestions.
(Just in case it’s relevant: I love my job, and I wouldn’t be looking to leave even if they weren’t offering this, but I’m certainly not going to refuse!)
More time off is the big one, and I want to strongly urge you to start using more of the time off you already get. Take a week off and stay at home and lounge and read! Take a bunch of Fridays off. You won’t regret it.
Beyond that … Is there a class you want to take? A better title? A certain type of project you want to take on?
Also, is there anything at work that frustrates you and makes your job harder or lowers your quality of life? This may be the time you can say, “Could I move into an office that’s not right next to the bathroom?” or “I would love not to be in charge of the interns this summer so that I have more time to focus on XYZ.”
4. What to do when I’m told someone will contact me to schedule an interview, but they don’t
A couple times this past year when applying for a job, I’ve been told “my assistant / associate / whoever will reach out tomorrow to set up the time for the interview,” only to have them not reach out. It happened twice with two different companies, and both times after a couple days went by I emailed the original person and said something like, “I’m eager to set up an interview, and I wanted to make sure I didn’t miss so-and-so’s email.”
In a situation like that where they’ve been clear they want to set up an interview but it is someone else’s job to do the actual scheduling, should I refrain from reaching out when the timeline they give doesn’t happen? I know it takes longer for the interviewer to set things up but it seems strange that it takes a couple of days to even get the initial (clearly form) email about setting up a time.
Give it a few days past the day they told you to expect to hear before following up. So if they tell you on Monday that the assistant will contact you on Tuesday, I’d wait until Thursday at the earliest to check back. The assistant (or whoever) could be out on Tuesday, or just juggling higher priorities. But it’s fine to check back in a few days after the timeline you were given has passed.
my coworker is a blood drive bully, non-monetary perks, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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