A reader writes:
I’m struggling to deal with my emotions after my teammate was chosen for a promotion ahead of me, and I was given vague feedback.
I’ve worked for my company for two years. I’m on a team of two, and recently we both interviewed to become the lead of our team, because our manager is moving up. At the same time, a similar lead role opened up in a parallel team, where I have work experience. So I essentially had one interview for both roles, but didn’t get either.
On my team, my teammate was chosen for the team lead role. And on the other team, someone who started less than a year ago was chosen, because they have prior experience as a manager, whereas I don’t. My manager told me there was no question that the newer person would get that role. And for my team, my teammate apparently came across as more motivated than me.
I feel upset that I wasn’t chosen in either case because both of these people will benefit from manager training and get to develop their careers at the company. It feels like the bubble has been burst: I’ve stayed late many times, I’ve often been the person who people come to when they have questions, I’ve happily accepted new challenges in my role when it took on new directions during my time so far, and including change, in the past year I’ve had four team leads due to people leaving or moving up.
Something like this hasn’t happened to me before and I don’t know how to deal with the emotional reaction I’m having. Unfortunately I cried when my manager told me. It’s her first time as a manager, and I think she handled it clumsily as well, telling me I shouldn’t focus on things I can’t change (when I asked if there are things I could improve on). I was flummoxed when I heard this and didn’t know how to ask more questions. I did say out loud that I didn’t feel any leadership from my colleague. I know I shouldn’t have said this. I have often felt that I’m pointing things out and explaining things to her, and it just bothers me so much now that I will have to take direction from her.
I feel depressed and as if the floor has dropped from underneath my feet. I am normally quite cheerful and happy to chat to everyone at work but I just can’t bring myself out of this slump. it’s been three weeks since I found out. I am trying really hard to be professional but I fear I’m creating a bad atmosphere and I don’t want that either.
I believe I performed badly during my interview and wonder if the decision was based on this instead of my work record. I was nervous because one of our C-level executives was present, I was meeting them for the first time, and they asked most of the questions.
After the decision was made, my senior manager sent me a private message offering to explore different growth opportunities and support me, so all is not lost. I haven’t taken her up on this yet. But I’m finding it so hard to recover.
You can read my answer to this letter at New York Magazine today. Head over there to read it.
how do I get over losing out on a promotion? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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