It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. Office lunch event is out of control
Once a month, my mother and her coworkers coordinate a potluck to celebrate birthdays and other special events. “Potluck” is the terminology my mother uses, although it does not sound like a typical potluck to me. These lunches have been going on for at least two years, and are definitely expected by the employees. The potluck is pretty extravagant. Each person is given a three-course meal that is catered from a local restaurant. In theory, if every employee contributes $10, this would cover the cost of food, drinks, plates, and cutlery. The company does not contribute any money, nor is there a company budget for this. These potlucks are 100% funded personally by employees.
Here’s where the problems comes in. Not every employee contributes money to the potluck, but every employee takes the food that is offered. I would say there are about 5-10 people who contribute financially, but there are about 40-50 employees who are eating. My mother’s contribution has swelled to $60, and one of her friends is contributing $100 to make up for the lack of funding from other coworkers. Even more annoying is that some employees who do not contribute financially will bring tupperware to the potluck so that they can bring food home to share with relatives or save for a later date.
These potlucks have caused resentment and stress for my mother. She is now getting into monthly disagreements with coworkers who she feels should not take food if they did not pay for it.
I’ve told my mother that she should opt out from the potluck, or even try to cancel it due to the lack of equal funding. However, she thinks it’s a better idea to create a list of those who do financially contribute to the potluck, and only allow those who paid to take food. I told her she has no authority to enforce that plan, but she’s all gung ho about it. Any advice you can offer would be great!
Yeah, these aren’t potlucks! Potlucks, by definition, are where everyone brings a dish to contribute. These are catered meals!
In any case, the current situation is obviously ridiculous. Your mom and the other coworkers who are contributing have four options: (1) They can continue paying up to $100 each (!) to buy meals for people who aren’t contributing anything at all. This seems absurd, and there are better uses for their charitable dollars. (2) They can decide this clearly isn’t working and cancel it. (3) They can opt out individually and decide it’s not their problem if their colleagues want to subsidize moochers’ meals, but they’re not going to do it themselves. Presumably this will then make the subsidizers’ shares rise even higher, which might prompt them to take similar action themselves, but who knows. (4) They can change this to a “lunch club” where anyone who’s interested in participating pays $X (the cost of their full share) to join in the meal, and anyone who doesn’t pay isn’t part of that month’s lunch.
#4 seems pretty reasonable to me. You said that you don’t think they’d have the authority to keep out people who didn’t pay, but this is a pretty common set-up in offices — “we’re ordering delivery, if you want in you can place an order and pay the cost of what you’re getting.” This is more of a prix fixe menu, but the concept is the same. They’d announce the change ahead of time, saying they’re switching to a new format and the cost is $X for anyone who wants to eat, and then if nine people sign up, they’d order nine meals only, with money paid in advance, and if someone else tries to take food, they’d say, “We only ordered nine meals and you didn’t sign up or pay for one, but you’re welcome to purchase one next month.”
2. I hate video interviews
As a professional consultant for well over a decade, I’ve had a lot of practice interviewing, and I’m pretty comfortable with in-person interviews. I’ve become weary of the contract life for many reasons and I am looking for a remote position once my current gig wraps next month; I’d love the flexibility and I have worked with remote teams as well as onsite. I used to get my remote contracts via phone interviews, but now everyone wants to see me on video calls.
I hate these for so many reasons. I am not a youTube star, I am an average-looking person (senior in my industry) but on video calls every physical flaw is enhanced. I just don’t have a face for video. Despite using all of the makeup and lighting tricks, I really do not represent well. Too much makeup makes me look clownish and I am awkward in front of the camera, which was never part of my job before. I’m painfully aware of every under eye bag and physical flaw in a way I don’t seem to be in normal life.
And I don’t represent well verbally, either. The lapses in camera time, the inability to read body language (which I am great at in person) and even seeing the interviewers engage in side chat conversations throws me off. I had an afternoon of Hangouts interviews recently with two different companies and despite my best preparations in advance neither went well (one included my dog breaking out of her kennel to come over and audibly snort and fart in the background).
Understandably, I haven’t been getting callbacks for second interviews, which is depressing because I usually get the job on in-person interviews. I am massively self-conscious on these calls and that is throwing off my presentation confidence. I’ll never know. But I’d love any suggestions you might have to make this a less painful process.
I hate video too, so I sympathize. I also think the best thing you can do to come across better on video is to decide you don’t give a crap. I know that’s much easier said than done, but as video calls grow in ubiquity, people are increasingly used to seeing “normal” looking people on them, rather than polished and glowy YouTube stars, and they’re very unlikely to be thinking unflattering things about your appearance. They’re probably not thinking a ton about your appearance at all. They’re much more likely to notice if you seem unconfident or nervous, or if something is weird about the video itself (like dark lighting or you not being centered correctly).
So the best thing you can do is to try to rewire your brain to aggressively not care about how you look or the weirdnesses of video (like the lag time, etc.). I say “aggressively” because what I’m recommending is throwing yourself wholeheartedly into deciding you are not going to give a F. In other words, instead of trying to inch toward being comfortable with video, embrace the the idea of Not Giving a Single Crap. (This might even mean things like making yourself start FaceTiming with friends, etc. The more you can de-sensitive yourself, the better.)
I know this might sound like hard advice to take, or like it’s in the category of “if I could do that, I would have already done it.” But I really do believe it’s surprisingly effective. (Other opinions welcome in the comments.)
3. My boss apologizes too much
I’m work part-time at a small nonprofit as an administrator. I’m the youngest and most junior person on the team.
My question involves my direct supervisor, who often (correctly!) delegates work to me but always couches his requests in an apology. Think multiple emails a day saying “So sorry to burden you with this” and “This is an annoying request but …” as well as apologizing to me in person. For the most part, the things I’m being asked to do fall under my job description. Occasionally, he’ll ask me to help with something that isn’t technically my responsibility, but is something I am more familiar with than he is, especially IT. Again, I don’t mind helping with things like this, but it’s tiring to having to keep reassuring him I’m okay to do it.
Whenever any other colleagues pass work to me, they do so in a much more condensed way that’s still polite, like, “Hi X, could you please file the report by Tuesday, thanks.” I much prefer this method, as I don’t feel I need to reassure them that I don’t resent them and can just get on with the report.
Could you help with some scripts for this? I’ve tried saying “Honestly, it’s fine, that’s my job!” in a cheerful manner, but it isn’t sinking in.
It may not sink in. You can try language like that, or like “Truly, no need to apologize, I’m happy to do it,” but over-apologizing can be a deep-rooted habit that takes real effort to overcome. It’s either a sort of verbal tic or it reflects a real insecurity about his role; either way, it’s probably not something you can prompt him to stop without making a bigger deal out of it than you have standing to do.
If you were his manager, you could talk to him about working on it, but since he’s your boss, you’ll likely need to write it off an annoying quirk he has.
At most, you could try something like, “I’ve noticed you often apologize when you give me work. I want to make sure you know there’s no need for that. It’s my job, and I’m happy to do the work you send me — and even on the rare occasions that it’s not strictly my job, I’m still glad to help out and it’s never a burden.” But you can only say that once without seeming like you’re inappropriately coaching him, and if it doesn’t work (and there’s a good chance it won’t), then just take it as a lesson in not over-apologizing yourself if you’re ever in his shoes.
4. My boss is sending work emails to my personal email on my days off
Is it appropriate for my office manager to send work-related emails regarding errors I have made to my personal email address on my days off? While I appreciate her feedback, none of the emails she sends me are urgent and can be sent to my work email and I will be more than happy to address them on my next scheduled work day.
It’s perfectly reasonable to ask her to stop. You can say, “You’ve been sending work emails to my personal email address on my days off. Would you mind removing that address from your email program so things don’t get sent there? I want to keep everything work-related in my work account so I don’t miss it when I’m back at work.”
If she says she’s doing it specifically so you’ll see it and answer before you’re back at work, you can say, “I really prefer to keep my personal account separate. I don’t think anything you’ve sent there has been time sensitive, so I’d appreciate if you’d stick with the work address.” You could even add, “Otherwise there’s too much chance I’ll miss something important.” And if you really want to mess with her plan: “I sometimes go long stretches without checking that address, so there’s no guarantee I’ll see anything you send there.” (Or, of course, you could instead just explain that you’d like your days off to remain days off, but it sounds like she might be more responsive to the other option.)
5. Can I turn down a summer internship but then apply for a fall one?
I am a graduate student, and people in my program often do full-time internships during the summer and part-time externships during the school semester.
I recently received an offer for a summer internship from an exciting company (Stark), but turned it down in favor of a different company (Lannister). I’m excited to work with Lannister this summer, but I’m still very impressed with Stark! I would love to work for them in the future.
Would it be inappropriate to apply for a fall/spring externship at Stark? If it would be appropriate, does the fact that I’ve previously turned down an offer hurt my chances of acceptance?
It’s not inappropriate at all, but rather than just reapplying, talk to whoever gave you the offer for the summer and ask if you could accept it for the fall or spring instead. (Ideally do this before you decline their offer, if it’s not too late for that.) They might tell you that you’d need to reapply, in which case you can, but since they’ve already screened you and made you an offer, they might be perfectly happy to just defer you to a different semester.
And no, it shouldn’t hurt your chances that you’re turning them down for the summer; you’re saying you’re still very interested in working for them, but the timing isn’t working out for the initial offer.
office lunch event is out of control, I hate video interviews, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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