A reader writes:
I’m still Monday morning quarterbacking my response to this one in my head, I’d love your opinion.
This past week, a colleague (let’s call him Samwise) and I traveled to visit a vendor out of state. The first night, the vender’s (super enthusiastic and talkative) head of sales, Bilbo, took the two of us out for dinner. After we had ordered, the conversation shifted to out-of-work activities/interests, and Bilbo talked about some faith-based career coaching he does, which led into a conversation about how he attends a “bible-believing Christian church.” He then asked “Are you a man of faith, Sam?” And Sam enthusiastically agreed, and they spoke briefly about the church he attends.
Bilbo then turned to me and asked “Are you a woman of faith, Arwen?”
I am not, in somewhat of a shift from where I’ve been at in the past, for a lot of deeply painful and personal reasons that aren’t anyone’s business but mine.
I managed to spit out “Um, questioning” in a pretty stern tone of voice. Bilbo said “That’s what I’m here for!” and I changed the subject (I think I brought up my new puppy!).
There were a few more church/bible/religion-based topics of conversation throughout the rest of the night, but more general as far as involvement in church/church activities, and I didn’t hear another word from Bilbo about faith/religion/God for the rest of my two day visit, which was a relief. I felt like my answer, while it did end that conversational track, still revealed more then I’m comfortable with sharing about my faith or lack thereof with a vendor and a coworker.
How would you have responded in my situation? It may or may not matter, but I am a 30something woman. Sam is a man in his 40s and is my peer at work, and Bilbo is a man in his late 50s. I am the one who manages the budget that determines if and how much we work with this vendor. I plan to continue working with them, but a) I’d love to know what else I could have said in the moment that would have been less personal and b) what I could say in the future if this does come up as we continue to work together.
Ick, yeah, that’s really inappropriate for a work dinner.
Is Bilbo unaware that there there are lots of people who consider religious faith — or lack thereof — highly personal and not something they’re up for discussing with colleagues? Is he unaware that the specific language he chose is likely to be highly alienating to people from different faiths? Does he assume that such people are all so Other that he wasn’t likely to be talking to any of them or that he would know in advance that he was? And does he think his company won’t mind him potentially alienating revenue-producing clients?
To be clear, it was fine for him to share that he’s involved in his church (just like it would be fine for him to share that he’s involved in rescuing baby geese or loves to cook). But the rest of this — especially the “that’s what I’m here for!” — was inappropriate and out of line, even if being at dinner lulled him into thinking you were there for social reasons (you weren’t) and that these boundaries could therefore be relaxed (they can’t).
If something like that happens again, good responses are, “Oh, I’d rather not discuss religion” or “I prefer to keep religion and work separate” or “That’s pretty personal for me, but I’d love to hear what you thought about (insert subject change).” With a vendor, especially one who kept bringing up the topic throughout the night, you could also add, “Our company has people of a whole range of religions, and people of no religion at all, and it’s not something we’d typically bring into a work context.”
Hopefully that would shut it down — it would with someone who wanted to be respectful — but if not, you’d be on solid ground with a firmer, “I’m really not comfortable discussing religion in a work context and will preemptively ask you not to do this with other employees of ours either, so let’s talk about something else.”
how do I handle questions about my religion at work meetings? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.
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